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I think one of the biggest things we are all guilty of is 'people pleasing'. No one likes to disappoint and we all like to do things that make others feel good in order to keep them on side because we are afraid of losing them. I agree, there are times when we should please people such as when our friends and family are going through tough times - we go out of our way to do nice things for them to make them happy because it is the right thing to do in order to be there for them. The 'people pleasing' I am talking about here is when we do things to please others even when it is not beneficial for us or healthy for us. For example, the gift we buy someone that isn't wanted or appreciated, giving up our time when someone wouldn't give it up for us, simply caring about someone when they could care less about us. And so the cycle happens over and over again and we keep tolerating it. I have read so many blogs about putting others first at the cost of abandoning ourselves, even if it means it hurts us emotionally. So why do we do it?
When I ask myself this question, I am often afraid to tell myself the answer because I know what the truth is and it is a scary and confronting thing to accept. There have been so many instances where I have gone out of my way to please others so that they feel good, because it makes me feel good that I am making them happy. However, I don't realise until it's too late how draining it is for me when I am not getting appreciated for it or not getting loved in return. Although this has happened in a lot of my friendships that are now broken, I find that I always try to people please in my relationships with men, often in the form of sex. I always make the same mistake of letting a guy in, putting them on a pedestal and sleeping with them thinking that it will turn into a relationship - that they will love me back and be with me if I give them so much of my time and my body. I put such a high priority on them that I forget about myself and end up feeling hurt, sad, angry and heartbroken. I tell myself that if I give them what they want that they will give me what I want and need, and this is a complete illusion.
My need to be wanted and loved is dependant on how men see me and it's sad that I subject myself to these types of relationships. The guy is getting his needs met without having to do anything for it, which is not OK. But I am also to blame for giving him the power to do this. I remember all the times I would hear from this guy how happy I would feel, knowing I got to see him and have fun with him, but at the same time dreading leaving him because I knew I would feel empty again. Wondering when he would message me again, when he would ask me how I am, when he would take me out... when in reality none of these things were going to happen because it was not what he wanted. Even though I was hearing this, I wasn't seeing it, I was creating my own ideas of how things could work out with us because I thought I could change him. When in the end, I realised he was not the guy I made him out to be at all and not someone I would want my friends to be around, so why would I let him be around me?
I thought that by being in his face more and desiring him more would make him love me back, but this is not the answer to true love. In the book 'The Power of Now' I read a statement which said: "Real love doesn't make you suffer. How could it? It doesn't suddenly turn into hate, nor does real joy turn into pain". This is so true, and a massive wake up call to me that real love does not mean subjecting myself to relationships that do not serve me in any positive way at all. But instead make me suffer. When I reflect on this I often feel annoyed that I would ever let someone have the power to dictate my self worth and whether I am loveable or not. It should never have to depend on anyone else, least of all a man.
I recently said goodbye to the relationship with this man I was sleeping with because it was no longer bringing me any positivity. Although it was one of the hardest decisions to walk away from him (because it was something that was giving me temporary pleasure) I knew I had to walk away for my long term happiness. I don't need it from him, I never did. It is such a hard thing to learn to honour yourself and set boundaries because we are scared of losing ourselves. We don't want to put ourselves in high esteem if we think that it will be chopped down by someone else. It's too risky. So we think it's better not to set boundaries as we will get hurt anyway, right? But by giving that honour up for someone else, we have already lost. Don't be a people pleaser. Remember, always choose actions that serve you and make you happy. After all, if you believe you are worthy and loveable, you need to make choices that you LOVE.
