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What I was seeing was a complete illusion, far from reality. I was blinded by the thought of you being the perfect guy for me, because that is what I wanted you to be. How could I get my judgement so wrong and create this idea of you that did not even exist?
- Kathleen Sleigh
Girl meets guy. Girl is attracted to guy's charm, smile, looks and "personality". Girl and guy exchange numbers. Guy texts girl and woos her with compliments. Girl is automatically in "oh he is relationship material" mode because of his compliments and charm before she has even met him. Guy asks girl out on a date; buys her dinner and drinks. Guy gives girl even more compliments to charm her. Girl is swept off her feet. Girl takes guy home. Guy sleeps with girl. Guy gives himself a pat on the back for mission accomplished ✔ Girl feels over the moon. Guy continues to impress girl to get his sexual needs met. Guy doesn't want a relationship but continues to sleep with girl, even though she told him she was looking for more and did not want to get attached. Guy acts charming to win her over so he can continue to receive sex from her while he is wanting it. Guy sees girl on his terms. Girl gets even more attached, guy gets bored, "freaks out" and blames girl for being "too much" when he was the one who manipulated girl to get her into bed in the first place. Girl tries to salvage this "non-relationship" by being needy and seeking guy's attention more, thinking this will change him and make him want to be with her. Guy is in control and treats girl however he wants because for him it is all about the sex, nothing more. Girl is left heartbroken, angry, confused, sad, ashamed and empty.
Does this cycle sound familiar to anyone? The classic casual relationship that every girl dreams will turn into something more than sex. The illusion of the so called "relationship". I think most of us can agree that casual relationships often do not work and if they do are often short lived, as one person always gets more attached and hurt (more often than not it is the woman). Us women who are insecure and seek validation often attract men who are only wanting sex and as a result we abandon ourselves, and our dignity and self worth go completely out the window. Why do we even think they are worth losing ourselves for?
Admitting that I have been in more casual relationships than I should have allowed myself to tolerate is quite difficult to accept. Because accepting it means realising the little self worth I have for myself, even though overall I am quite a happy, bubbly and outgoing person with a lot of positive people in my life. The only thing going wrong is that I am choosing to associate with men who are not good for me at all because I am lonely and afraid to be abandoned. Even though I know these men will abandon me in the end anyway, I avoid the issue and continue to sleep with them as means of validation and avoiding my abandonment issues. If I can get some attention from them, then in that moment I don't have to feel abandoned.
So many times I have allowed myself to tolerate these men in my life even at the cost of my own emotional well-being, going through the cycle of feeling like I'm on a high when I am with them so I stick around, and then eventually letting it get to the point I am so broken that I feel ending things with them is almost like a break up, because of how attached I get to them and creating this idea that they are the perfect guy. And that having sex with them would lead to a loving relationship. I tried to savour a relationship that was non-existent, it was purely based on sex and sex alone and I just could not accept that. And so I went through this cycle time and time again thinking I would be ok with it every time, and the minute I saw red flags or felt something was not right I kept ignoring the signs and forcing myself to be ok with it, even though I wasn't. I convinced myself that if I chose to be in this situation then I should be cool with it, that if other women can do it, then I should be able to. What a warped way of thinking, and a complete disregard of my own values and beliefs. A true representation of poor boundaries, which I should never let a guy push, ever. I should be showing him where the door is before he can even enter.
I always told myself I would never get into this type of relationship again yet here I was sleeping with another guy who wanted nothing more than my body, that only wanted to see me when his dick needed attending to. When I think of how he and the other men in the past have acted in this manner, it actually disgusts me. To think they have any right to my body when they have no respect for me whatsoever.
So, I was sleeping with this guy for 7 months. He won me over, charmed me, said nice things about me to get him on side. I fell for it, I didn't set strong enough boundaries and so he was able to walk all over me and get exactly what he wanted. I was wrapped around his finger, and for him this was victory. Every bit of attention he got was another ego boost for him, another reason to validate himself. I knew it was never a good idea to ask the question "what are we?" "where do you see this going?" but of course me and my big mouth asked him and got the response I was not wanting to hear. Good on him for being honest when I asked but had I not asked this question, would he have been clear about his needs? Probably not until I got too attached and it all became too much for him. I told him that since he wasn't looking for anything serious that I did not want to see him often anymore as I did not want to get attached. Of course he acted like the "nice guy" and said that I deserved to be happy and have exactly what I want, which is the truth. The next day he sent me a message saying he was "thinking of me and sending a big hug x". He knew that this message would make me change my mind to wanting to see him more often. And so here I was again being sucked in by a guy's words, telling me what I wanted to hear so he could get his sexual needs met. I had the strength at that point to walk away because I was not emotionally attached to him, but still at that point of excitement and curiosity, and belief that he would change his mind to be with me.
Well I was wrong... This guy continued to manipulate me to getting what he wanted and had complete disregard for my feelings, even though he acted like he cared in the beginning. It wasn't until I kept pushing for more and becoming more needy that his behaviour changed and he started to ghost me, leave texts unanswered for days, refused to have conversations with me because in his mind it was "too much" and he didn't want the responsibility of dealing with it. Admittedly, I cannot put all blame on him as I chose to accept this relationship (or lack thereof) when I knew it was hurting me. The desire to have sex, have the attention, the excitement, you name it was more important to me than my own self respect. I settled for something that was less than what I deserve because I thought it was the best I could get.
Eventually, things became toxic and we argued all the time, he started being rude to me, aggressive towards me and blamed everything on me, when all of this was just a projection of his own insecurities. I was dying inside thinking how on earth could he treat me this way when I have been nothing but kind to him? Why do I deserve this? Am I not enough? Is there something wrong with me? All those bulls**t questions you ask yourself when a guy makes you feel inferior. It is all complete rubbish to think we let guys have power over us like this.
It has been 5 days since I walked away from this relationship and I have my moments of feeling really empowered but also really down at the same time. Because even though it was not a healthy relationship, I still have to grieve the loss of it, because to me it meant something. It was a connection I thought I had, an attachment I grew towards him.
I am really proud of myself that I have not attempted to make contact with this guy as I know it will only give him power again knowing I am giving him the time of day, when he is happily getting on with his merry own life. Contacting him will only hinder my progress in moving on and finding true happiness. However, I still feel like there is something to salvage. I have spoken to most of my friends about this (you know who you are, thank you for being so amazing) and they can all see that there is no relationship to salvage because there wasn't one. It was just SEX. That was all. Cheers for this very clear message my dear friend Josh. Harsh truth but I love you for it! This is what I mean about letting go of the "non-relationship". I created this illusion that we were in some sort of relationship because we were sleeping together, I felt like we owed each other our time and effort when we didn't at all, I thought if I gave him what he wanted that he would realise how amazing I am and change his mind. Well the hard truth of the matter is, I simply can't. People don't change for anyone, they can only change for themselves. You can't force someone to love you, and why would you force someone to love you who doesn't even deserve you? Real love is never forced anyway.
To think I may even want to go back to this guy is completely absurd and ridiculous, because it means going back to that "non-relationship" and going through the same cycle again. Ok, the sex was mind-blowing, and yes I find that hard to let go of because it was like an addiction, it made me feel like I was on a high every time. And for me, that was worth sticking around for. But why am I putting such a premium on sex over a loving and caring relationship where I deserve to be respected and loved unconditionally? It's because I don't value myself enough, I don't think there is better out there for me and so I settle for what I think is the best I can get, which is really sad. I know I am amazing, smart, beautiful, kind, awesome and successful but do I really believe that fully if these are the relationships I subject myself to? Absolutely not.
I know I am better than this, that there is more to life than sex. But when you get so attached to the guy you have amazing physical compatibility with, you put that in high regard and use it to stay connected with him, thinking that it means you are compatible for each other, which is completely untrue.
I know I made the right choice in walking away because it means saying no to being treated with disrespect and saying yes to my self worth, self esteem and happiness. But I know I will still have many moments of questioning why I walked away, why couldn't it have worked out, why couldn't the sex still be happening because it made me feel good temporarily, so who cares how it makes me feel as long as I feel good in that moment and he does too. So long as it's a temporary relationship for now as it's better than being alone. All this is self sabotage because I am putting all the importance on pleasing him, and I am completely disregarding myself. I am doing extremely well so far and making huge progress, but if I don't let go of this idea of having sex with him to keep us "connected", I will never let go and move forward, as a result meeting the same men again and making the same mistakes, and hindering the chance of meeting someone who will give me the love, respect and care I deserve.
To all you commitment phobe men, the asswipes and the emotionally unavailable, the only apology I have for you is that I am sorry for tolerating you, I am sorry for tolerating a relationship with you that was not good for me. I am sorry for letting my guard down, for setting poor boundaries and opening the door for you to hurt me, disrespect me and use me for your own gratification, ego boost and validation. But also, thank you for allowing me to see your true colours even when it got to a point of me feeling broken. Thank you for letting me reclaim the power of being in control. I know in time I will realise you were never mine to let go of in the first place, that I walked away from you.
Please share your thoughts and experiences :)
All my love
Xxx