He's really not that special

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One of the biggest mistakes I have made when meeting guys is putting them on a pedestal. I have idealised them in such a way that makes me believe they are God's gift sent from up above and that they are perfect and can do no wrong. This is what I did with the guy I was recently sleeping with. I will not identify him so for the purposes of my blog I shall call him 'Mr. X'.

When I first met Mr. X I was instantly attracted to him - he was charming, dressed well, had a nice smile, very handsome and just attractive all over. Not going to lie, there was already sexual tension from day one! I thought he was the be all and end all. And yet everything I found attractive about him was so superficial and meant nothing. He charmed me with his words and compliments which made me feel attracted to him even more. Having similar interests such as travelling, food, drinking, being family oriented, enjoying sex, to name a few were all reasons I believed to be enough to begin a long lasting loving relationship.

And boy was I wrong. It was as if my core values did not exist. Well it's that obvious, they simply didn't.

The following are my core values when it comes to relationships:

1. Being treated with respect by not calling me names, not talking down to me, not making fun of me and not being verbally abusive towards me

2. Cares about my feelings

3. Apologises when he has made a mistake

4. Takes responsibility for his actions

5. Is not aggressive when there is conflict whether it's between me and him, him and his family, his friends, his work colleagues or even my friends

6. Is able to have a civilised conversation to find a solution so that we can move forward, not back

7. Not being used as an emotional punching bag to dump his problems onto me

8. Not projecting blame onto me for issues he may be going through or for things that are clearly his fault

9. Treats his family and my family with respect

10. Treats his friends and my friends with respect

11. Is kind, caring and thoughtful

12. Loves me for my personality and not as a sexual object (seriously... think with your brain and not your dick for once!)

13. Makes an effort to get to know my friends and becomes friends with them

14. Doesn't isolate me from my friends or the things I enjoy doing in life (especially gym)

15. Letting me have my alone time

16. Not being controlling or manipulative to have power over me

17. Is not afraid of confrontation

18. Will not hold grudges against me from any past conflicts - he sorts out a problem then and there and that is the end of it. If it isn't sorted, he will sort it out with me until things are solved. Not putting dust under the rug and letting it boil and explode later because I don't have time for that s**t. If he has a problem, he will talk to me about it and work it out. If it can't be solved then we obviously need to reassess things

19. Not guilt tripping me into things for his own gain

20. Good with children and is willing to take on the role of a good dad when it comes to that

21. Is not physically abusive

22. Honest

23. Polite

24. Trustworthy

25. Loyal

26. Knows how to cheer me up by means that are not sexual - such as making me a nice cup of hot tea because he just knows that's what calms me down at night. Or makes me laugh by putting on Summer Heights High or The Office (US) because he knows that they are my favourite comedy shows of all time and they always cheer me up!

27. He is a good listener

28. He is ambitious and strives for success in his own life but also encourages me to succeed in mine (especially career wise)

29. Accepts me at my worst as well as at my best

30. Loves me unconditionally

31. Supports my goals and dreams

When I look at these core values it is sad to say that every single one was not upheld by Mr. X, not one. He acted the complete opposite of them and I still chose to stick around and completely dishonour myself. I was letting myself down for not upholding what is important to me in a loving relationship but I couldn't see it then. And even when I did, the attachment I had for Mr. X was too great to let go of... and looking back he was not worth any of it. Not one bit.

It's crazy to think how much validation I have sought about myself from him when I was caught up in this cycle of the toxic relationship; the 'barely there' relationship which had no boundaries. Mr. X could act as he pleased because he had no respect for me to begin with. I allowed him to disrespect me and for that I am so ashamed. I didn't deserve to let myself down for this loser.

I've definitely started to stop blaming myself for being in this relationship and it has made me feel so much lighter already. I have learned so much about myself and him. I have learned that I deserve a guy who will uphold ALL my core values and that if he doesn't, just walk away. And I learned that a guy like Mr. X was only ever in it for the sex.

Whenever I have moments where I think about him, I always look at this list on the left of all the positives and negatives about him. I wrote this up last night because I was feeling inspired and empowered and I stuck it on my wall next to my bed. This is so I can wake up to seeing it everyday as a reminder as to why I should never go back to him and why I deserve so much more.

As you can see, there are very few positives. Can you notice the difference between the positives and the negatives? All the positives are superficial values and all the negatives are the complete opposite of what my core values are. I was choosing to stick around for the superficial instead of the real. It's so true that none of the superficial values define how a man is going to treat you in a relationship. What use is good looks (although in saying that you still need to be attracted to your potential partner), a big penis and a good job if it means he is going to treat you like absolute s**t? These things mean absolutely nothing when it comes to how a guy will treat you. Yeah Mr. X and I had travelling, eating out, amazing sex and watching Netflix in common but that does not mean he is the right guy for me, that just means we simply like the same things. And of course I discovered those things meant nothing as soon as he treated me like a piece of s**t on the floor.

I have realised that I was not in love with Mr. X or his so called 'charming' personality, I was in love with his looks, his body and his penis. I even imagine him now as a walking penis because that is all he was good for. He told me I was only good for the sex which was one of the worst things to be ever told by a guy. Words can't even describe how painful that was to hear when he said it to me over the phone when we had one of our intense dramatic episodes.

These superficial values are not enough to sustain a relationship and they really do mean f**k all. When I look at the negatives I actually cannot believe I put up with this behaviour when I didn't deserve any of it. Especially since I was in a verbally abusive relationship for three years when I was in my late teens. Mr. X really reminded me of this ex partner and all the horrible things he had said and done to me. They were the same person: selfish, manipulative, cruel and narcissistic.

Mr. X even had the nerve to say he was my 'friend'. He does not even warrant that label because he is not even at the friendship level. None of my friends treat me with disrespect, are rude to me, use me for things or purposely try to hurt my feelings to make themselves feel better for their own shortcomings. If he was here right now I would tell him: "I have this circle of friends, these are the people inside it and you're that outcast who is barred from getting in the circle. You're just on another planet; the planet of dickheads, users, narcissists and nasty people. So don't flatter yourself by thinking we are even on a friendship level. You don't belong in that category. And you certainly don't belong inside my vagina, you're not even worthy of that".

All this time I thought Mr. X was the be all and end all - I saw a future with him and pictured getting married to him even. In my mind he was the perfect guy for me who could do no wrong. And as hurtful as it was to see his true colours, I am grateful that I could know him for who he truly is and realise that he isn't that special at all.

Always honour yourself, your boundaries and your values. Because once you throw them away for these asswipes you have lost every good part of you that the world deserves to have. Don't sabotage your own self worth for those who don't deserve you. Let them deal with their own insecurities and problems. It's not your job to change them. Think about you because you are number one, you are special, not him.

#men #saynotoasswipes #relationships