The vicious cycle of casual relationships

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I took all his insults, harsh comments and derogatory language to the point I emotionally could not take it anymore. I was left speechless and had no will to do anything but scream - Kathleen Sleigh

So as you've gathered from my previous posts, casual relationships are extremely toxic and involve a constant vicious cycle of extreme highs to extreme lows. One minute the guy is all over you and the next, he is attacking you for succumbing to his behaviour. He thrives off having power over you, he knows your weaknesses and enjoys the fact that you are miserable over him because this gives him control. However, he doesn't want to appear like an a**hole to his peers, he only acts this way in front of you because he knows he can.

Things started out great with Mr. X and I - we got along, we were attracted to each other, we went out on a couple of dates and enjoyed each other's company. The minute I got closer to him is when things changed. Mr. X suddenly realised that he was having to face the role of being responsible for someone else, for their feelings and for making effort. This is not what he wanted so instead of getting closer to me he pulled away, often in a very cruel manner. He would ghost me, leave my texts unanswered and when he did reply, his replies were blunt and harsh. I could tell he didn't care that he was hurting my feelings.

If any of you were a witness to the many arguments Mr. X and I had, you would be livid and and appalled at his behaviour towards me. I actually can't believe I took him back so many times after it all.

Everything was all of a sudden my fault. In his eyes I was:

- Needy

- Intense

- Stressful

- Selfish

- Manipulative

- Rude

The list goes on...

He wasn't afraid to make these known to me even though he could clearly see I was upset by him saying them. A lot of our arguments involved him swearing at me to the point I felt so degraded and inferior, it was actually awful. When I tried to tell him how much he upset me, he just got more angry and had a go at me for saying he was being rude to me... he just had no sense of responsibility and refused to accept he played any part in being a complete a**hole to me. It was so unfair.

The one thing I will never forget is when I told him how upset I was when he openly told me that I am only useful in bed and that was it. He knew then how bad that made him look so he tried to deny it and told me that he didn't remember saying it to me, just to try and save his own skin. What a liar!!!

Worse still, I will never forget how he said to me that I ruined his night, that I ruin his life and that I had given him more grief than anyone. And that he was done with me because of how much I upset him for not abiding by his lame terms. In his eyes, me not abiding by them was causing him grief. I actually felt like the worst person in the world... I had given him more grief than anyone? I knew I hadn't but I believed it because he made me feel so horrible for wanting what I wanted when he could have just had a civilised conversation with me or better still, end things with me even though I had the choice to as well.

At this point I knew that all his aggressiveness towards me was coming from a place of his own pain, stresses and insecurities. But it did not give him the right to take it out on me and use me as his emotional punching bag. I allowed him to do this to me, so he felt like he could get away with it every time.

For what will be two weeks of no contact this Friday, I have already grown so much from this and feel so much happier, less stressed, less anxious and definitely have a higher self worth and confidence. I don't blame myself anymore and I certainly don't believe any of the things he said about me. I know my truth, and that's all that matters.

Finally I have shown him, but most importantly shown myself that I won't stand for this type of behaviour and that it is completely unacceptable to treat anybody, especially a woman, the way he treated me. What gives him the right? What gives any guy the right to make a woman feel inferior? It isn't OK.

These men won't ever change so ladies, don't wait around for a magical change to happen because you're not getting it. He is going to treat you the way that he wants until he is done with you. And you will take his s**t for so long you will be too broken to get yourself back and heal from this. It's always possible to move forward sure, but the longer you subject yourself to this, the worse you will feel about yourself and the more you will gravitate to men like him if you think that is all you're worth. You will end things with him bitterly and then move onto to the next guy who will just do the exact same thing, just as your previous guy will do the exact same thing to his next target.

So please, for your own dignity be brave, stand up for yourself, have some self-respect and walk away before you lose yourself completely...

#respect