Letting go of the superficial, letting go of the 'idea' of him

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All I need to do is place Mr. X and all the crappy things he did into a big balloon, let them go, set them free and say goodbye forever - Kathleen Sleigh

One of the hardest parts about getting over Mr. X is letting all the so called 'good' things about him go. The good things like his charm, his compliments, his wining and dining me, his attention towards me, the sex we had. All those things were an illusion, they weren't real. They were just an act to get me into bed. I guess I can't let the idea of him go just yet, even though I have done so well these past two weeks. Apart of me wants the old Mr. X back but I know I will never get him back. He is never going to change...

Each time I think about contacting him I try and remind myself of the cycle I would be subjecting myself to... and how worth it it is going back for sex only to feel that high temporarily and then for things to turn to s**t again, for him to treat me like dirt again. Whenever I think of all that, it reminds me why I cannot go back there. 

But I'm not going to lie... it's hard, I still have my urges. I know I won't contact him but it doesn't stop me from having the urges. I don't think about him in the sexual sense as much anymore but when I do, the urge to contact him intensifies. I have this massive premium on sex that almost wants to take over the part of me that should be having respect for myself. It's as if the attention is worth more in order to feel that high again one last time. I honestly feel like I am having withdrawals because in a sense he was my addiction, the sex was an addiction. And it's difficult to change bad habits... But I cannot give him that satisfaction of giving in because he will not have any respect for me over it, he will probably either reject me or be a massive a** to me as punishment until he feels like having me and also, he will presume I don't have any better option. And I don't want him thinking that because I am worth more. 

Today was a bit of a low day and the low days make me think about him more. I know it's normal though and it's OK. These things take time and I cannot rush the process. 

One of the biggest lessons I am still learning is to let go of the superficial values like his good looks, charm, his job and the sex especially. I always thought that that was more important than how I should be treated in a relationship. But it's not. And if I do go back there then I'm only letting myself down, but also letting down every single person who reads my blog. I would be a walking contradiction! 

I try and focus on what my dad would want for me, my mum, my sister and my friends. And it's not this... All the people that care about me want the best for me and the best for me is not seeing Mr. X. 

I don't know if I would be able to not give in if he were to message me. I guess if he did it would make me feel good knowing I am still in his thoughts, but merely as an option... I guess apart of me feels that if he messages me that there is no one else in his life. And that would make me feel validated again. But again, what use is it? He will only treat me like crap again and it would completely ruin all the progress I've made. I guess it just hurts to know that he got sick of me and bored of me and has most likely moved onto someone else... I guess him not sleeping with me makes me feel like a failure, that I am not enough if I can't satisfy him (whilst I know deep down this is not true, I know he has lost out on the prize). He would be too proud to admit what he has lost anyway.

As strong as I am, I need you my fellow blog followers to help me realise how much of a douche this guy is and to encourage me not to go back to him.

I know I can do this, but with the encouragement from you lovely souls I know it will motivate me more :)

Thanks so much to all of you who have faith in me and believe that I am enough. So much love to you all <3 <3 <3

XX

#selfworth #selflove