I am enough

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I am kind, caring and thoughtful. I am smart, ambitious and successful. I am beautiful on the inside and out. I am a nice person. I am independent, strong and resilient. And this makes me Kathleen Mae Sleigh. Take it or leave it.

When I read the attributes about myself listed above over and over again I realise how true they are. Repeating them makes me believe it. I know that everyone that loves me agrees with this and would probably have an even bigger list of attributes they would say about me. The saddest part about this though is that I do not believe it enough, not enough to be able to let go of letting men define me.

This is one of the most frustrating things for me and for all my friends who have had to listen to me being so self defeating. I don't even know my own worth a lot of the time because my worth has been so dependent on how a guy feels about me and how he sees me. And I know this is so wrong.

I was watching a vlog on Instagram about whether believing we are loveable and worthy or not is based on what other people think of us, especially when it comes to men. I must admit, this was a massive wake up call to me because I know that how I see myself has always been dependent on how a guy sees me. And this is why I have struggled with rejection because I take it so personally, wondering what it is about me they didn't like, what should I have changed, what did I do wrong? When really, it's OK to realise you are not compatible with someone after going on a date with them. It's ok to not end up in a relationship with someone after a few dates. It doesn't mean anything bad about either party, it's just the way it is. This is something I need to learn to get my around. Just because a guy rejects me, it does not say anything bad about me. But that is how I have viewed rejection which makes me feel even worse about myself.

At the moment, one of my biggest struggles is letting go of what Mr. X thinks of me and how I let that affect my opinion of myself. Everyone I have spoken to this week know how hard I have been on myself. I kept questioning what was wrong with me and what on earth I did wrong for Mr. X to not like me, to not think I am attractive. I have been around in circles over this and have really let it affect my self worth, so much so I have not been taking care of myself this week. I keep having the conversation in my head about "well since he isn't speaking to me and is no longer sleeping with me then it must make me a bad person, it must mean that I am not good in bed. It must mean that I am not attractive enough if he doesn't want to sleep with me". I know this is all a load of bulls**t but it is what I have been putting myself through all week. It is driving me MAD!!! Why am I letting some guy I knew for 7 months define me? I should believe I am loveable and worthy no matter what he thinks.

I guess this is why it has been so hard to let go, since having these thoughts makes me want to contact him so I can be validated. If I know he wants me and wants to see me then I know this means I can feel good about myself again. It's not a healthy way to go on, I know that.

A new friend of mine Lou cheered me up so much today and told me that he was sure Mr. X misses me and to assume he does anyway. And deep down I know that. At least I know he will when he is left with no other option and will want to come crawling back. But he is too proud and stubborn to admit it. Lou told me to be self assured and say this to myself moving forward: "Of course he misses me. He's just too stubborn to admit it. His loss. I'm intelligent, hot and I give great blow jobs". This made me feel so empowered and so sure of myself. Rather than feeling like I lost out on him, I need to be in the mindset that he has lost out on me, because he has. I am a prize, a prize worth keeping and he has just easily thrown me away as if I meant nothing. Well I am not nothing.

An analogy that one of good friends in London told me that is the best for empowerment is this:

Imagine you are a piece of cake in this really high quality, fancy bakery. Imagine that you are this last piece of cake on the very top shelf of the cake stand. You are not just any cake; you are special, you are unique. You are full of deliciousness and flavour; you are tasty. Anyone that is worthy of having the last piece of you is the only one that has access to you. So think about it. You don't just want anyone to have the last slice of you and gobble you up and not appreciate your greatness. You deserve to be taken by someone who will truly appreciate every part of you for all that you are. Remember, you're the last slice of cake, don't be quick to give yourself up for just anybody willing to have you. You are enough, you are worthy. Make it known. Make them reach up high to have you, because they need to work hard to get you.

Whilst this is a funny analogy, it couldn't be more true. It really represents how important I am and that I shouldn't just give myself up for anyone who is not worthy of me. Time and effort has gone into producing this special cake (me). Why would I let that go to waste on someone not worthy of me? They don't deserve my deliciousness.

I know I am not 100% at the stage of loving myself completely. I know I still feel like Mr. X deserves the last piece of me so until I get past that pattern of thinking, I am never going to believe I am enough or worthy. But the truth is, I am enough. I am always enough. And I know I may not see that right now, but when I do is when everything will change for me. I will become invincible and there will be no more getting in my own way of my happiness.

#respect