Breaking the no contact rule

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I ask myself, what have I done and why? I just want to be wanted and desired, even if it means putting myself last... - Kathleen Sleigh

So it has been a little while since my last post and I do apologise for that. To be honest, I had a rough two weeks due to stresses in my life. Although Mr. X wasn't necessarily one of them, these other stresses made me obsess and think about Mr. X more because I was vulnerable... At first I didn't think to initiate contact with him as I knew I was just at a low point and that once I got out of it, I would be ok and not have the urge to contact him. But attention and desire got the better of me and I caved after two weeks of no contact... I wouldn't say I regret it because not messaging him made me feel more anxious - I had a gut feeling and I went with it. In the end I was so sick of burdening my friends with asking them what I should do that I realised I am an adult who needs to make her own decisions. And that whatever consequences there may be are on me.

So I sent Mr. X a naughty message on a Saturday night to lighten the mood and try my luck on how he would respond. Two days later and I still had received nothing. And I didn't necessarily believe he wasn't keen. In my mind I told myself he was busy because it was a Saturday night. But then I realised, even if he was keen he would have replied at some later point. So I was shattered. Monday came along and I asked him to meet me as I wanted to express the things I haven't been ok with in terms of how he has treated me. But it's crazy because in spite of all the horrible things he has said and done, I still want to sleep with him (sad and disappointing, I know). My new flatmate and I were talking about it last night and I told her for someone so smart, I can make some pretty dumb decisions. And she told me that all girls are dumb when the 'D' is too good! It's so true though... when the sex is too good you just don't want to give it up, even if it means settling for less than what you deserve. This is the exact position I have put myself in and yet have been given the clear indication that Mr. X does not want to sleep with me... Well... I know that isn't true per se. He just says that because he does not want to be responsible for hurting my feelings, or be responsible for his own actions etc. Guys are are just so complicated and contradicting - they tell you what you want to hear to get you into bed and then when it doesn't work their way, they turn it back on the girl so that they don't have to feel responsible for manipulating her into bed. It is so frustrating!

Apparently I will be seeing Mr. X this Friday (that is unless he bails on me again). Although I won't allow him to do that to be honest. I feel a lot more confident about seeing him this time, probably because rather than taking all his insults as I had done in the past, I am going to be upfront about how I feel and have my say. And this isn't to make him care about me or my feelings (because I know he doesn't) but merely to say that what he has done isn't ok. Not necessarily the sleeping with me business (even though I know he has used me for sex) I mean the way he has spoken to me, the disappearing in and out of my life, the talking to me as he pleases and the fobbing me off when he feels like it. It's simply unacceptable and I won't tolerate it. It's funny I say this because I still want to keep sleeping with him after telling him all this.

Mr. X is adamant it is best we don't see each other, that he doesn't want to meet and sleep with me and that he is done saying things. I finally got him to agree to meet me in person this Friday but it made me think, doesn't he love the drama just as much if he is engaging in conversation with me in the first place? It's as if he loves getting the attention, loves knowing the fact I have messaged him and feeding his ego and that is enough for him to not see me. Now that he knows I've come crawling back, that's all he needs to feel good about himself. So why meet me, right? Not just that but whenever we meet in person it is always either me at his place or him at mine. Why agree to coming over to each other's houses when he knows the temptation to have sex is there? So I know it's not a case he doesn't want to sleep with me, he's just fighting something he truly wants because he doesn't want me to go all "intense" on him etc. If I'm honest, I couldn't be with a guy like Mr. X. And as bad as this may sound, apart of me wants to manipulate him right back, cut the small talk and just use him for the same reasons he has used me. Then I guess we are even.

In any case, I have made a decision and I own that decision. Friends and family will be disappointed sure, but it is my journey that I have to take and I have to deal with whatever consequences/result comes my way. I have officially become the Fallback Girl yet again after two weeks...

I shall keep you posted on what happens. In the mean time ladies, if you are still in your unavailable relationship I understand. Sometimes you have to keep going back and forth until you're ready to let go. Just do you and do whatever it is you need and whatever feels right for you in the moment. I am no one to judge. This is your journey, your mistake to make, your decision to follow through with it. I will be here for you Fallback Girl, always and forever.

#respect