Fallback girl no more

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Like getting a strike in bowling, with that Mr. Unavailable was bowled away, out of sight and out of mind, and she was a fallback girl no more - Kathleen Sleigh

As some of you might have read my last post about giving into Mr. X, I noticed that I received some back lash from caring friends and family. So much tough love that it was hard for me to accept at the time so I took the post down quite quickly. I will put it up again so you can see the stupidity and misery I resorted myself to... Maybe I was too honest, too open and perhaps thought that people would understand. However, I was expecting backlash anyway because I was completely contradicting my blog and most of all myself... how could I expect to be an inspiration to other women if I was not even following my own advice?

I noticed that since I was back in contact with Mr. X is when I stopped receiving positive messages from friends and family, people were distancing themselves from me because they couldn't cope with the negativity and toxicity that Mr. X was bringing me. But I was also isolating myself from things I enjoyed doing the most because I was so consumed by him. And reflecting back on that makes me feel really sad and ashamed. My family and friends felt like they were losing me and to this day some of them still do, until I have the strength and courage to get the help I need and use the willpower to choose happiness over misery.

I was doing so well in the initial two weeks I had remained in no contact with Mr. X but I was just too curious to see whether things could have changed and resulted in us working out, so I went with my gut and acted on that curiosity and gave into contacting him. I'm only human, but yes it was a mistake... a very big mistake - I did not receive the response I wanted because even though I "apologised" (and I put quotation marks here because I had nothing to apologise for, and was only doing so to justify his own behaviour and win him back) he still refused to see me. I could have left it at that and accepted it but I had to get my way and see him to try and win him back through telling him off and seducing him. After a lot of reluctance by Mr. X, I finally convinced him to see me. I knew deep down that the sex was over and there wasn't even a relationship left of any kind anyway, but I was clutching at straws trying to save something that didn't even exist because I was too afraid to let go. As I type this it makes me realise how much of myself I lost when I was involved with Mr. X. I threw away every part of me in fear of losing him because I was lonely, I thought I could change him and I thought I could save him. But it was never my job, nor is it any anybody's job to change anyone or save them. If people don't change for themselves then they will never be the best version of themselves and in turn will only change because you forced them to, and that isn't genuine love nor a good basis for a healthy relationship.

When Mr. X came over last Friday I was extremely nervous because I knew that was potentially the last I would ever see him again. In my deluded mind I thought I could convince him to go back to how things were with us - the sex, the passion, the hanging out, the good times. But I would never have those times back, they were gone months ago... And whilst I know apart of me pushed him away because of self sabotaging what we had that was good, it was always bound to end up in disaster as there were red flags from the beginning - he was a recent divorcee (he hadn't even officially signed the papers when I first met him) and he revealed a massive family problem within a month of knowing me. So already there was so much baggage with him. And instead of sticking to my guns, running away from the red flags and upholding my boundaries, I chose to ignore signs that ended up becoming big issues in the end.

My plan in telling him off for how I felt I had been treated totally backfired (which I knew would happen) because he just simply did not care. Why would he? He was a complete asshole to me and only acted in his own best interests, not mine. He wanted sex, that was it. He apologised for "upsetting me" but I knew it wasn't genuine. Then after all that I tried to get him to have sex with me to the point I was begging for it, begging for it?! For someone so confident and bubbly, this was the most shameful, desperate and unconfident moment in all my being. I just had ZERO self worth, all because I wanted to stay connected to him through sex. And also to validate myself... in the end, it ended up in some really bad arguments and some degrading comments towards me, probably because Mr. X felt like he had no other outlet. Nonetheless, I still didn't warrant the horrible things he said to me such as "Kat, you disgust me, I have never been this unattracted to anyone else ever in my life, I don't even want to touch you or go near you, I used to think you were a decent person and I liked you but I don't think that anymore, don't even say hi to me on the street - act like I never existed". For someone with low self-esteem and a long history and ongoing case of depression, this was extremely damaging and painful to hear. Easier said than done to choose not to believe it to be true, but it is extremely hard when I already have very little self worth.

So that was that, Mr. X was gone and yet I still was not ready to let him go. So then here I was incessantly calling him (34 times within 2 hours in fact) which is so not me at all, but it was an extremely unhealthy reaction to an unhealthy relationship and situation. I became so toxic because of Mr. X and became the worst ever version of myself. I just couldn't believe I resulted to such an action, to the point Mr. X felt like he was being harassed. I'm not the crazy girl who harasses people, nor would I ever throw away my dignity if I had enough self worth... I know I have a lot to work on in gaining my confidence and self agency. And until then, I will always be choosing to date the wrong men and hinder my own happiness...

As heartbreaking as it is to not have Mr. X in my life (despite him being a complete asswipe/dick/prick/f**ktard to me), I know it was the right decision to have him out of my life and I knew this for a long time, but I simply wasn't ready to let go then. I saw him for the final time last night, made peace and acted maturely towards him and got a completely rude response back from him, so I knew it was the right choice. And with that, I bravely walked away and was welcomed by my flatmate's open arms and shoulder in which I shed many tears. Tears of relief, sadness and freedom. This is really it, it is over and there is no going back at all now.

Even though we were never in an exclusive relationship, he was apart of my life for 7 months and a lot happened between us - I got attached to him, we shared good memories, I created an idea of him that I fell in love with and in the end, it was simply too hard to let go and in a way it feels like I'm grieving. All weekend up until now I have been in bed wallowing, crying and feeling sorry for myself. Asking myself if I will ever get over him, get over this (even though I have been through so much worse). My flatmate who I have known for only a week has been so sweet to me and tried to cheer me up by inviting me out for drinks and dinner and I just simply couldn't bring myself to socialise. My best friend offered to give me hugs and invited me to go out with her but again, I was simply consumed in my self pity to surround myself with the beautiful people I needed the most during such a tough time. I have let this guy dictate so much of my being, my mood, my day-to-day way of life. He just isn't worth my tears and pain anymore... no matter what happened. I need to stop torturing myself and be kinder to myself because I deserve to move forward and be happy. As much as it hurts now and as tough as it is, I know in the long run I will be so much happier and will look back on this as a learning curve and laugh at the whole situation. Each day will get easier.

I think the most frustrating part is missing the idea of him, I feel like I miss him but I miss the idea of him. I thought he was the perfect guy, but it was all a facade. It's so messed up to think you can miss someone who was never nice to you to begin with... I know it will take some time and I will still have my sad moments and tempting moments to contact him as it's still early days, but I have to believe I will get there otherwise I will never be happy.

But self wallow no more... from now and each day forward I vouch to be strong, resilient and confident that I can move forward and work towards the Kathleen Mae Sleigh that deserves happiness, love and respect. And I need to find each of those qualities in myself before I am even ready to start dating again. Until I have enough self agency, self worth and self love, I am not ready to date and I will only continue to attract men who are toxic for me. I need to believe I am worthy and right now, I don't believe that fully. I know I am worthy of love and happiness but I don't believe it just yet. And there is a massive difference between knowing and believing.

To all my dear friends and family who I have hurt, pushed away and taken all my frustrations out on because of this asshole Mr. X, I am truly, truly sorry. I know you all want what's best for me and feel at a loss not knowing what more to say or not knowing how else to help if I choose not to help myself. I hope I have not lost you and rest assured, I will work hard to get myself better and be the Kat you all know and love me for. I am so grateful for all of you always, sometimes I don't think I deserve such wonderful friends and family like you. And I do take you for granted during these times. But if I wasn't the amazing person that I am, I wouldn't have you all. So thank you so so much for always sticking by me. I promise I won't let you or myself down.

Next week I have my first official appointment in cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) which is aimed at depression. For those of you who don't know what it is, it basically changes the cycle of negative thoughts about the self influencing your behaviour. I truly believe this therapy will help me in becoming the best version of me that I will ever be, the one that I deserve to love and the one in which the right man will love me for. Wish me luck! It's going to be challenging but a step in the right direction. I can't wait to fill you guys in on my journey!

Read the following document to find out more about CBT in detail:

https://www.mind.org.uk/media/17708241/cbt-2017.pdf

All my love and light,

Kat

XXX

#selfworth