The power of letting go

Reading time: 6 minutes

"And so the journey of letting go of self-blame, anger and guilt begins and slowly I will work my way towards looking out to new horizons, learning more about myself and what makes me happy" - Kathleen Sleigh

One of the hardest lessons to accept is when an unhealthy relationship needs to end; when you know it should have ended a long tine ago, but find flimsy reasons to clutch at straws just to keep it going, to seek validation. The reason I find these unhealthy relationships hard to let go of is because I fear rejection and I do not handle it well at all. Rather than just see things from the bigger picture and accepting that it is ok that two people aren't compatible, I take rejection so personally and find reasons to work out what is "wrong with me". Sadly, this is why things with Mr. X ended so bitterly because I became that toxic through my relationship with him that we just exploded at one another and I kept asking him what I did so wrong for him not to want me... I knew for months that this relationship was going nowhere but I was still using sex as a reason to keep it going, just so I could feel loved and feel worthy.

Now that it is has been a week since the final goodbye and blow up with Mr. X, I am quite surprised with myself at how resilient and strong I feel right now. I think it definitely helped that I cut contact with him for two weeks initially and even though I broke that no contact rule, having those two weeks of not speaking to him has made me be able to cope with not speaking to him now. In those two weeks I was the happiest person and didn't feel on edge, anxious, angry or nervous. And I feel the same way now. In saying that though, it is still hard to let go - letting go of the idea of him, letting go of the sex with him (yes, sadly this is still something I value at times), but most of all letting of the self blame and guilt I feel towards myself for the ending of the relationship. I keep questioning had I not been this way or that way then none of this would have happened. And I question this because I don't have enough self worth or self esteem to think any better. I've even had to seek validation through my friends just to make sure they don't think the worst of me. But what is most important is what I think of me. I am way too hard on myself and constantly dwell on what I should or should not have done and I work myself into an anxiety spiral over it, when I need to be kinder to myself and just let it all go... these emotions are not healthy to hold onto and will only hinder my journey in becoming my best self.

I could ruminate how I could have reacted differently to this situation by not being so dramatic, not being so needy and not being so obsessive but I can't change the past and I can't beat myself up over it forever. If I do, I will never be able to forgive myself, make peace with it and move on. It has got so bad that last week in my journal I wrote down how much I hated myself because of the negative comments that Mr. X threw at me. I know they're not true but for someone with low self esteem, it's hard not to believe they aren't true. And that's why I have been so hard on myself. I had come to the belief that I am such a terrible and awful person, all because one stranger said/thinks that I am. Wow, I cannot believe I have given him this much power.

In saying that, I can proudly say that each day gets easier and I think of Mr. X less and less. Wednesday was actually the first day that I didn't have him on my mind for a moment in the morning while I was at work. And it wasn't until he came to mind again briefly that I realised I had not thought about him in the morning and it was such an empowering feeling. It made me realise that maybe I didn't really like him as much as I thought, that perhaps putting him on a pedestal has made me hard to let go of him, not necessarily because I like him. And realising that makes me feel empowered. But now I need to change this negative cycle and realise that these aren't the right men for me - that I can't just latch onto them and see what I want and make them out to be the perfect guy when they're not. Enough of putting men on pedestals when they have not proven they are worthy of being put on a pedestal.

I know I will still have moments where I miss the idea of Mr. X as he was a big part of my life, but if I am already having days where I don't think about him as much, then I am a step in the right direction in moving forward and giving myself the self love that I truly deserve. Now is the time to make it more about me and not him.

Ladies, never forget who you are. Be it, embrace it, OWN it. Be proud of what makes you who you are - the good, the bad and the ugly. A real man will be able to handle you at your worst as well as your best. Have the power to let go of the asswipes, Mr. Unavailable's and players. I know it's hard, but don't forget who you are. It's what makes you special and unique. And if a man cannot handle it then he is not the right guy for you. Walk away with dignity and never go back there again.

#selfworth