The dangers of wound longing

Reading time: 13 mins

"I know you're bad for me but I miss you, I know I don't want you back but I miss you. I know you weren't the guy I wanted you to be, but I miss the idea of you. Despite all this wound longing, I know I am much happier without you:" - Kathleen Sleigh

Has anyone ever thought about the concept of 'wound longing'? I never knew it had such a title until I watched a vlog on Instagram of one of my favourite relationship coaches, Mark Groves from his page #createthelove (you should all follow him). This concept of 'wound longing' is all about missing someone who is bad for you and missing the idea of them being the perfect guy you idealised them to be. I always go through this process when a casual relationship ends and 'wound longing' is the perfect title for such feelings. There are days I often get so confused as to why I could miss someone who was so unhealthy and toxic for me. But it was Mark Groves' vlog that made me realise that it is okay to miss someone who is bad for you, because we have held onto the idea that they are Mr. Perfect and idealised them in such a way we have put them on a pedestal, that we can't help but miss the idea of that. It's not actually the person themselves. Remember that because there is a difference between missing the person and missing the idea of them.

I have been feeling a lot of this wound longing towards Mr. X, especially with Valentine's Day having been this week. My best friend in London had such a romantic night with her new boyfriend on Valentine's Day and my flatmate left for Tunisia to see her beau. And as much as I am happier without Mr. X, I couldn't help but feel sad and lonely when I had my friends all loved up around me. It's only natural, I am only human. Everyone wants to be loved and we all deserve that.

On Thursday, I was on the tube home coming back from an interview (in which I got the job yesterday, YAY! And mind you, it was a 2 and a half hour final interview and very tough, so I earned getting the job) and even though I was so happy I performed well I all of a sudden had Mr. X on my mind, started to feel really sad and even started to tear up. I was confused by this at first because of how happy I have been without him. But maybe I wanted him to know my news about the interview, maybe I missed the fact I couldn't share such news with him anymore... and then I came home feeling low and was so silent and just burst into tears. My flatmate could read my vibe straight away but I wasn't ready to talk about it, nor did I want to at that stage. All I wanted was to be alone. But my flatmate was so amazing and made sure I was ok, I talked about it with her and she shouted me lunch. We had a really nice deep and meaningful and she reminded me of how important it is to keep loving myself first. She is such an amazing soul and I am grateful I had her there to perk me up, otherwise my moment would have carried on much longer if I stayed at home by myself.

It's crazy because I have done so well these past two weeks and one day (yes, I had to mention the one day because I have broken my record in not contacting Mr. X by a day, and counting) but I know that it is still quite raw and I will still have triggers that will make me think of him and miss him. Mark Groves' posts always seem to resonate with how I am feeling on that day, it is like he is in sync with my emotions, it's amazing. Watching his vlog about wound longing made me realise that it's normal and okay to miss someone who is bad for you and miss them but not want them back. But the message he really emphasised is that it's this wound longing that hinders our healing and it is not the answer in moving forward. The realisation of not being chosen and the fear of letting go of the idea we created about this not so perfect guy, is the reason why we do what is called 'wound longing'. But it really doesn't serve us in any way at all. And to be quite honest, it's self sabotaging and we don't deserve to put ourselves through that. I know I don't.

There are so many women, and men even, that subject themselves to this wound longing because of relationships that have not served them and it just breaks my heart knowing so many people are going through it. You all deserve so much more than that.

I know it's extremely difficult to move forward and there are always going to be triggers that set you off and make you think of them and miss them, and those triggers will really hurt in the really raw stages of the break up. But I can assure you as time goes on, and even in these two short weeks it has been since Mr. X and I had ended things, it does get easier and you realise how much happier you are without them. I have achieved so many goals in the two weeks I have not been speaking to Mr. X - I have been back at the gym, taking my dog on two walks a day, smiling at strangers, complimenting strangers, having a coffee on my own at cafe's and appreciating my alone time, eating take away because I can and not feeling guilty about it, having a night in to myself because I can and not feeling sad for being alone, saying no to a date and rescheduling it for another day because I simply didn't feel like it so I was saying yes to me and lastly, applying for new jobs that are moving towards a completely different career path to teaching. And as mentioned earlier, I GOT THE JOB!!!!

I wouldn't have been able to have the motivation to achieve those goals (especially applying for jobs and preparing for interviews) if Mr. X was still in my life. He was so toxic for me to such a point I was neglecting my own needs and wellbeing. And looking back, it was never worth it. If he had still been in my life, I would have been anxious about him and obsessing over him to the point where I would not have been able to focus on job interviews and would most likely not have got this new job (one in which I can be earning a lot of money). And I'm sure you're all thinking 'but missing them makes me feel like I made the wrong decision, maybe I did make the wrong decision and maybe I should reach out to them and fix it'. NO, that is not the answer. Of course we question our decision and think that it was wrong to end things with someone, even if they were bad for us. But that's just the fear of losing the idea of that person, the fear of being lonely and the fear that you may not have someone again (even though this person was giving you barely anything anyway). Trust me when I say this, I used to go through these emotions of thinking I didn't make the right choice in ending things with him ALL THE TIME. But it doesn't mean that it was the wrong choice. I know that it's just my fears of losing the idea of Mr. X and having to let go of the fact he is no longer in my life. I thought having someone there for just the sex and company (even though it was a barely there relationship) was better than no relationship at all. But this is self sabotaging by settling for someone less than you deserve. You need to stay strong and stay true to yourself and realise that letting go is the best thing in moving forward, not for them but for YOU. You need to stop focusing on them and start focusing on YOU. That has been the hardest part for me, to stop focusing on them so much and what I did wrong because it's finished, it's over. It's about me now. I would rather be alone and happy than with someone who is hurting me and being miserable because of it.

I know that as much as I have wound longing for Mr. X when there are triggers; wound longing that at times makes me want to reach out to him and make amends, I know I made the right decision in walking away from him because I am just so much happier now and have been able to focus on myself completely. The temptation to contact him is no longer as intense as it used to be because the short term pleasure with him only for that to result in hurt, frustration and sadness later is not worth the long term gain in putting myself first and being truly happy. I could never focus on my happiness with him in my life. He would forever be an obstacle in that journey otherwise.

So ladies and gents, the motto of this post is, is that it's okay to feel wound longing for someone who isn't healthy for you, but the key is to catch yourself having those feelings and not acting on them by contacting them. Just remember that wound longing is not the way to heal from your hurt, it will only hinder you in becoming truly happy. Remind yourself of the bad times with this person, why it didn't work out, why the relationship didn't serve you. It is often very easy to think about the good times (good times that barely happened or didn't even exist but created in your mind, if the person was so bad for you) than the bad times. I know, because I did it all the time, and still do when I have those triggers. I think about the lovely things he used to say about me, the fun dates we went on, the sex. But then I realised that all those things didn't mean anything because it was all an act to get me to do what he wanted until he got bored and moved on to the next. It was his way of me giving him an ego boost, attention and being able to validate himself so he could feel good about himself. And that's not okay. He just has INSECURITY written all over him and that, along with my own insecurities is what lead to the demise of the relationship ultimately. Two insecure people = VOLCANIC ERUPTION!

Always remember your worth. Never sell yourself short for people who are not good for you. Yes, it's okay to miss them and you shouldn't block those feelings out. Be sad, cry and listen to sad music. But don't let that wound longing affect your healing. Learn to let go each day and do things that make YOU happy and things that allow you to put yourself first.

I'm still learning being able to let go and it isn't easy, we can't just let go overnight. That just doesn't happen and it's humanly impossible when we have had someone in our lives who we really did like and care about. We can't just forget them, and we shouldn't. Because every person that comes into our life teaches us something, even if it wasn't a healthy relationship and gave us a negative experience, learning a lesson from it is always a positive. Always see the good in the bad because in the end it makes you stronger, it makes you grow and it allows you to be a better person.

Be strong, keep pushing on and keep reminding yourself of what you truly deserve. It's all about trusting yourself and trusting the choices that you make. Own them, honour them. Don't be a wound longer anymore, let yourself heal and start the journey to your happiness because only YOU have the power to control that. Start your healing journey NOW. You've got this. I believe in you.

XXX

#makeyourselfpriority #selfworth