A guide to what a healthy relationship looks like

Reading time: 12 mins

"When I finally decided to love myself unconditionally, the universe brought me to you. With you I feel endless and unconditional love, you are my partner and my best friend and whilst it is not your job to complete me, you are an amazing bonus to my already fulfilled life" - Kathleen Sleigh

This week's post is dedicated to one of my biggest followers on Instagram called Ishual. Ishual suggested a few posts but I am going to separate them into three because even though they are all relatable each topic is individual in their own right. Ishual wanted me to post about what a healthy relationship looks like. For those of us who are still feeling lost, don't love ourselves and are not sure what our values and boundaries are (or if we are sure, we are not honouring them) we become confused as to what a healthy relationship entails. For those of us (me included) who have been so used to self sabotage by getting into relationships that do not serve us in a positive way, we often lose sight of what a healthy relationship should be.

No healthy relationship is the exact same for everyone. Yes, of course every healthy relationship is the same in the sense of each partner being loved and treated with respect (all those aspects are the key ingredients to every single healthy relationship). What I mean by no healthy relationship is the same for everyone is that we all have different values and boundaries. We don't all believe in the same things when it comes to healthy relationships. Our values and boundaries may be similar but we each have our own view of what a good relationship looks like for us - what it is we, as individuals want in an ideal partner.

If any of you remember my post called 'He's really not that special' (and most of you probably will as this post got the most reads - thanks so much guys as it's one of my favourite ones) I had a list of 32 boundaries that I was not willing to let a guy cross. My fellow Instagram follower Peter Dowd who is coming to London this week suggested that I reduce the list to ten qualities I want in my ideal partner. It was interesting that he said this because in the book I am reading about being the fallback girl, the author Natalie Lue mentions to avoid creating a list that is too long as we can often get lost in what we are really looking for. Either that or some of the values can be put together into the one.

This is my list of what I have called 'My Power 10':

1. I want a man who knows he wants to be with me and sees a future with me - he's either in or he's out (because I don't do 'I don't know' or 'in between' guys).

2. I want a man who cares about my feelings and shows me kindness, respect, trust, loyalty and honesty.

3. I want a man who is willing to stick by me through the tough times and not give up on our relationship so easily.

4. I want a man who I can connect with on an emotional level as well as on a sexual level so that the sex is actually 'intimacy' not 'intensity'.

5. I want a man who is willing to own his mistakes, apologise and admit when he has done wrong by me and hurt me in any way.

6. I want a man who shows his family and mine, his friends and mine utmost respect.

7. I want a man who listens to me, especially about the important things and is willing to fulfil my needs.

8. I want a man who is willing to make sacrifices for me.

9. I want a man who isn't selfish and considers me and others.

10. I want a man who will love me unconditionally.

The reason I put 'I want a man...' in bold is because this man has to meet every single 'Power 10' value of mine, there can be no little putting it on the side and ignoring if he is crossing any of those boundaries, this man has to meet every single value otherwise he is out. Ideally, these 'Power 10' are what I stand for and how I expect to be treated in a healthy relationship. Any of these values that are not met does not equal a healthy relationship for me. The minute I throw as little as one of these values away, I'm asking for a bad relationship and will have the words 'UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WANTED' written across my forehead. People think that if we let one value slide that it won't come up again later, that one little red flag is okay ignore, that one boundary someone crosses doesn't really matter because it's only one, right? This couldn't be further from the truth. You set yourself values and what you want in an ideal partner for a reason. It's because you believe that those values are important for a healthy relationship. Always remember that and HONOUR them. They deserve to be honoured and you deserve to honour yourself.

Some of you might have very similar values in your list and I think it is so important to sit down and have a hard think about whether these are the values you are willing to honour and stand up for. If you don't stand up for them, you're not only letting yourself down but you're insulting your own values by contradicting them. ​Think about the ideal man/woman you want to be with. What values does she/he need to meet in order for you to have a healthy relationship with them? I recommend that you write your own 'Power 10' and read it everyday until you are ready to honour them completely. Anyone that decides to do this, please let me know what you come up with and how it made you feel.

Going back to my point that every healthy relationship should be one where two partners love each other and have respect for one another, within that love and respect there should also be trust, loyalty, honesty and communication.

The reason I highlight communication in bold is because so many relationships lack it and it's the reason why so many relationships fall apart. For whatever reason, people seem to want to avoid conflict or when they do face it, they don't respond to it in a healthy way. One of the most important things my counsellor in Australia made me realise is that when going on dates and looking out for your ideal partner, you need to purposely bring up conflict whether it be through a discussion about politics, how you should treat people in public, whether you both agree or disagree on a certain topic like the death penalty for example (extreme example but you get my drift). Why? Because you need to be able to work out whether this person is able to have a confronting conversation in a mature and emotionally intelligent way. If you discover that this person cannot respond to conflict to simple disagreements then you can be sure as heck that they will not be able to respond to conflict when it comes to tough conversations in a relationship - do your research early before you let it get to that point.

Trust is extremely important as we all know, because it is the foundation of a healthy and loving relationship. Without trust, relationships are practically broken. Trust can be won back if it is broken, but it really depends on the situation and how it was broken. It also depends on whether the two parties involved are willing to look past the broken trust. Either way, trust needs to exist.

Loyalty is so important because when we decide we want to settle down, we need to understand that it is not just about us anymore. Of course you should always remain independent and be your own person, but when we are with someone we need to consider their feelings and their values too. Don't neglect your partner, be there for them when they need you, listen to them, support them when they are having a bad day, don't always choose your friends over them to the point they feel like they are coming second (I went through this with a boyfriend and it was a horrible feeling knowing he was making time for his friends, going away on lad's weekends with them and yet he would say he never had time for me). Nice people can only take so much and once the damage is done, it can often be beyond repair. No one likes getting treated like a doormat.

And of course, honesty is extremely important in a healthy relationship as it works alongside trust. Whilst you should always be open and honest to your partner about your feelings and concerns, you should always make sure that they are open and honest with you about their feelings and concerns too. In all the casual relationships I have been in where men did not treat me with respect, I was always so afraid of being honest about how I felt because I was so on edge and felt like I was walking on eggshells because of how these guys might have reacted. Often, I wouldn't be honest about how I felt especially if I wasn't okay with something and I would just let it slide and be secretly feeling hurt, angry and disappointed. Not a good situation to put yourself in. Never feel afraid to be open and honest about what your heart and soul deserves, you have feelings for a reason. Your person will not judge you for it and will have more respect for you for staying true to yourself.

Healthy relationships should always make you feel like you can be yourself and not pretend to be someone else. Whenever we subject ourselves to the wrong relationships we pretend to be someone we're not because we are trying to please that person and trying to force them to love us. That already is a massive indicator of an unhealthy relationship. No healthy relationship is easy by any means and they all require hard work and as the saying goes - "nothing worth having comes easy". We all have to work extra hard to receive the things in life that are worth having and that are worth fighting for.

Everyone deserves to feel loved, to desire to be loved and the desire to be wanted. If you want those things to happen, you must think about what it is you value that will lead you to being in a healthy relationship. Without those values you are going to have to accept that you will attract unhealthy relationships in your life. It's so easy to fall into that negative pattern of self sabotage but in the long run it really isn't worth it. Ultimately, we all want to be loved and treated with respect and in the long run we want to be happy.

Desire change, love, respect, trust, honesty, safety, security, trust and loyalty. If you desire the change to be in a healthy relationship, that is exactly what you will get. Everyone deserves the right to feel happy in a relationship. Do the right things that will get you there because your Mr./Mrs. Right will be so worth the wait.

#relationships