A look inside the hearts and minds of emotionally unavailable women

Reading time: 12 mins

"So here I was jumping from casual relationship to casual relationship. Whenever one ended I would just replace the last guy with the next, without having given myself time to assess my life and question what on earth I was doing. Instead, I avoided the most difficult thing to face (which was self love and admitting I was insecure) and instead lost myself in fear of losing someone else. Someone who was barely there anyway" - Kathleen Sleigh

This is post 2 of 3 requested again by Ishual - the concept of the emotionally unavailable woman, a phase in our lives I am sure we have all gone through or are currently going through. It wasn't until I started reading 'Mr. Unavailable & The Fallback Girl" that I realised that I was actually one of these women. All the times I had been in casual relationships I always thought that it was the guy who was emotionally unavailable but I was just as unavailable as they were...

So what does it mean to be an emotionally unavailable woman?

I want you to think about all the relationships you have been in and how they made you feel. Did you always feel happy in those relationships? Were there times you were constantly trying to force someone to love you? Were you seeking attention in unhealthy ways? Was this other person disrespecting you to the point you thought there was something wrong with you? Did these relationships make you feel worthless?

If you were able to answer 'YES' to all of those questions then I can guarantee you that you are/have been the emotionally unavailable woman. Whenever we subject ourselves to relationships that are not healthy for us, it is because we are attracting that energy, we are giving off the vibe that we are emotionally unavailable through our insecurities, fears and lack of self worth. People can read these vibes and as a result, have little or no respect for us and treat us like a doormat. You can't really expect anything more... as much as you heart wants to. You need to realise that whatever situation you put yourself in is on you. I always used to complain about why I was in this situation again with a guy who didn't give me what I needed when I had to take a look in the mirror and realise that I was actually bringing this all upon myself... and that's not an easy thing to admit to and change. When you are so used to self sabotage in relationships you don't want to open your heart up to the opposite. You begin to develop a mindset of expecting bad treatment from people and relationships that you are way too good for. And why is it you want to self sabotage you ask? It's because of all the fears you have - the fear of being lonely, the fear of abandonment, the fear of rejection, the fear of not getting loved in return, the fear of not finding anyone greater and the list goes on!

Like with any fear, we never want to go outside of our comfort zone and face it. But this is the exact thing you need to do in order to change and be open to believing you deserve a healthy loving relationship. I know you don't want to change that part of you that is so used to self sabotage, because by changing it means going into the unknown and the uncertain. You're throwing yourself into a healthier behaviour that you have not been used to, and that is a scary thing. It literally scares the s**t out of you. And then that fear simply becomes too much to bear, but you need to be able to face it to overcome it.

I'll give you an example of a fear I overcame when I went to New Zealand in 2013 - I am a massive adrenaline junkie and I always like to make the most of events/activities/foods/culture etc that are specific to that particular country. For me, I always had the goal of doing the bungee jump, the 134m drop in Queenstown of all jumps! I knew that I wasn't a person that was great with heights but knew I wanted to achieve this so I could leave NZ knowing I had done it. Apparently I had looked as white as a ghost while I was waiting for my turn as I was scared to death! The scariest part was being on that little tiny ledge knowing I was going to drop down 134m in a matter of seconds! But I did it without even looking down (because I knew if I had done that then I probably would have turned back! And I was getting my $260 money's worth!) Once I had done the jump I wanted to do it all over again, and I would if I had the chance. Whilst this is not a relationship example, I hope this puts into perspective how achievable it is to face a fear, even a fear as scary as a bungee jump.

I know what it's like to have to decide to commit to changing a whole part of you that you were so used to being... I made that choice a month ago and I would have to say that the first week or two were the hardest. I kept going from missing Mr X, to wanting to reach out to Mr X, to wanting to see him for my sexual needs. Had I have caved in those moments I wouldn't be where I am today. I was so used to self sabotage because I didn't think I was worthy of love, I have struggled with fear of abandonment and rejection, and I had the desire of wanting to be loved and wanted to the point I tried to seek it off every male being that moved! Even if it meant they treated me less than what I deserved.

When I first journaled about being the changed Kathleen Mae Sleigh that wants to work on loving herself, being her own person and not depending on a man to complete her, I wasn't ready to work towards that change in the beginning. Because working towards that change meant accepting the part of myself that was dying... and I didn't want that part of myself to die because it was all I knew. Accepting change meant having to accept all my fears and addressing them but once I did, it meant saying goodbye to being the emotionally unavailable woman and saying hello to the emotionally available woman.

Despite how hard this journey has been, now that a month has passed since breaking it off with Mr X I can honestly say that the pain of things ending with him was worth it. Because saying no to him meant saying yes to me and putting myself first is what I truly deserve. I am a much better person for it now - I am enjoying my social activities again, I'm not avoiding my friends anymore, I've been meeting new people, doing kind things for others to help them and make me feel like I am doing good in the world, and have been focusing on my new career goals. I would not have been able to achieve any of these things had I still chosen to be Miss. Unavailable.

I'm not 100% there but I am probably 80% there. As I was writing this I almost typed 75% because I felt like I shouldn't have given myself a higher score hehe. But I deserve an 80! Being able to accept my flaws and my fears has opened up so many doors to giving myself self love, believing I am worthy and loveable and overall being happy. If I didn't choose to face my fears then I would be stuck being Miss. Unavailable for the rest of my days! And I don't want that for myself, and you shouldn't either... This is going to be really hard but the BEST advice I can give you is this: write down what your fears and insecurities are. And I say write them down and not just think about them in your head because writing them is the toughest but most effective way of helping you admit these fears and insecurities actually exist. You are able to see it written there for you to instil it in your brain. No one is perfect and we shouldn't expect ourselves to be. This is why it is so important to embrace our fears and insecurities head on, accept them for what they are, not letting them define us and being willing to change that around. Once you can accept they exist then you have already done 45% of the work. The other 30% is committing to loving yourself and working your way towards being a person you are proud of and happy with, knowing you deserve a king or queen. Because you do. And the remaining 25% is committing to being the changed you.

Just the other day actually I was able to recall my fears, insecurities and mistakes made with Mr X without feeling guilty about them. For the first time ever, I could actually embrace it all and appreciate that I went through all that to become a better person. I was able to admit to myself that if I was not so emotionally unbalanced then I wouldn't have responded in such an unhealthy way based on my fears and insecurities. And that's okay because if I didn't go through that experience then I wouldn't have realised that I had to change.

I can't say I am fully emotionally available as yet, but I am definitely on the right path to getting there.

You can do it too ladies! Because you are stronger than you know and fiercer than you believe. Own your fears, own your insecurities and be the change you want to BE. Be the change you want to SEE so that you can take out that Miss. Unavailable with the trash and kick her to the kerb!

I love you, and I have faith in you <3

XXXX

#selfworth