The Do's and Don'ts of The Honeymoon Period

Reading time: 10 mins

"I saw him and my eyes lit up from his looks and his charisma. His compliments and never ending

sweet talk made my heart melt. But once this phase had passed and I saw his true colours, I wondered where that charming, attractive, sweet guy ever went" - Kathleen Sleigh

Today's post is dedicated to my lovely beautiful soul, Mena. I'm going to discuss the honeymoon period and why we get so confused as to how it ends so suddenly and why oftentimes we cannot get that period back.

We have all gone through the whirlwind excitement of the honeymoon phase whether that be through our serious relationships or flings. The honeymoon period is there to excite us and make us feel like we are on this never ending roller coaster of love and lust. Whilst this phase is important in all relationships and a phase that you should always have with the right person, it never lasts with the wrong person. You see, when we first meet someone we are attracted to we immediately get caught up in the 'superficial' values of that person (I have mentioned superficial values in my 'He's really not that special post') such as their looks, their charm, their sweet talking, the amazing job they have, the money they are earning, etc. Whilst it is important to have chemistry and attraction with your future partner, those superficial values cannot sustain a long term relationship on their own, eventually people get bored and want to move on if you are only together based on physical attraction and lust. It's just simply not enough to sustain a long lasting, healthy relationship.

Mena mentioned a woman name Lorelai Bayette who said that a person's personality is much easier to pick up on but their CHARACTER takes time to learn. I had to do some research on the difference between 'personality' and 'character' as I was a bit confused between the two as I thought the two terms were interchangeable. But up0n my research I realised that they are completely different to one another. 'Personality' is purely based on the superficial values I mentioned earlier and other traits such as someone being funny, lazy, smart, organised, good with money etc - the traits that don't really define how someone is going to treat you in a relationship. Some of the superficial values I shared with Mr X is that we both love food and both enjoy watching Netflix. Just because we like the same things doesn't mean we are meant for each other. I used to think that having simple things in common meant that we were perfect for each other. Having things in common simply means just that - you just have the same interests like many people in the world do to you. It's nothing special.

'Character' on the other hand digs deeper into a person's values and beliefs such as being kind to others, being respectful to friends and family, being honest, trustworthy, loyal and the list goes on. These character traits are the ones that you should be looking for in an ideal partner because they are going to determine how someone will treat you and they will be the foundation to a long lasting relationship, provided you have the same values and beliefs as one another when it comes to a healthy relationship.

The problem with the honeymoon period is that we get so carried away judging people on their personality as opposed to character, so much so we begin to overvalue the superficial values as opposed to overvaluing what we should be overvaluing (being the authentic character traits). I don't know about you but I know why I overvalued looks, charm and sex over character. And I did that because it was more more exciting, more rebellious, more interesting. And OVERVALUING THE SUPERFICIAL meant that I could feel wanted and loved and desired all the time, but obviously that time would end when I realised I wanted so much more than the superficial, so much more than the 'personality'.

We need to go into the dating world without our rose tinted glasses. Honour yourself and honour your values because no one else can stand up for them other than you. You're not obligated to be 'nice' to people when you first start dating them. By nice I mean you don't have to see the good in people based on their personality just because you feel like you get along, or that you want to be with someone and like the idea of being with that person. It doesn't work that way. Don't put these people on pedestals (a very dangerous way of finding love) because you start to idealise them to the point you create this idea about them in your head of the person you want them to be when really, they are far from being that person at all. And then when things go pear shaped, you wonder whether you will get that person back but the reality is is that you never actually had them in the first place.

You don't owe anyone anything, least of all someone you're dating and hardly know anything about. You can't just judge someone on their personality and think that they are the be all and end all just because you want them to be. You don't know how they act around their friends and family, you don't know their past, you don't know how they respond to conflict, you don't know if they have baggage, you don't know how they treat people in general like at the supermarket, over the phone, on the street, their work colleagues. You don't know any of those things and those are the things that will determine how they will treat you in a relationship, those are the things you need to look out for.

Sweet talking is also an easy trap to fall into in terms of thinking that a man or woman is the perfect person for you. I remember the first time Mr X called me gorgeous and this was probably about a few weeks to a month in maybe. It made me feel so good inside and instantly I created this idea that 'oh wow, he is so sweet because he called me gorgeous' when he probably called every other girl he was seeing 'gorgeous'. I remember when he used to say how happy it would make him to see my gorgeous smile, that I am such a sweet and caring soul and felt lucky to have bumped into me, that I was one in a million. I mean, I know I am but at the same time he never knew my character traits either, he didn't know what made me tick, he didn't know how I responded to conflict, he didn't know how I dealt with anger, sadness, happiness and pain. You don't say those things to someone you just met. These are just the typical 'fast forwarding' acts that guys do to get you into bed with them, all the things a guy know you want to hear so he can get his dick sucked. All the things he knows he has to say and do to get what he wants.

What we often forget to do is enjoy the friendship with that person FIRST. We get way too caught up in seeing them as a lover before a friend, and that's where we make the mistake of judging them on the superficial values. Creating a friendship is the best way in finding out what a person's character is, just like how you know the character of the friends in your life. All the happy couples that I know say that their relationship works because that person is their best friend and they can be themselves around them all the time without fear of judgement,. Just like we can be ourselves with our friends no matter how weird, wacky, blunt, emotional or crazy we are. Remember, the right person has to accept us for who we are, and apart of that acceptance comes with being their friend first.

I remember the first time he messaged me that he told me he thanked me for being so sweet to his mum and that it meant a lot to him (because I met him through his mum who was my neighbour and I stopped by her house to tell her how beautiful it was because that's just who I am hehe. I have to appreciate the good things). Because of how sweet I was to her he asked me out for a drink and asked what my favourite ice cream flavour was (as it was summer at that time). I told him it was cookies and cream and then when I was away in Portugal and came back after a couple of weeks, he came over and brought cookies and cream ice cream. I thought it was the sweetest thing! And it was but then again, anyone could have done that... my friends and family could have done that and it would have meant more coming from them, it would have been a genuine act on their part. Mr X was giving me this simply to make himself look good and because he knew I would think he was sweet for doing it. And then as a result, giving him what he wanted in the form of sex.

As toxic as Mr X was, he made me have a realisation and gave me some really powerful advice. When he knew I was getting attached and wanted more, he could sense that I had idealised him and knew that I thought he was the perfect guy for me. I remember him saying to me that I don't listen and that I just want to see what I want, that I think he is the perfect guy for me when he is not. And that I need to focus on myself and do what I need (he said all this before things got very dramatic). He was definitely right about all of that but he wasn't saying all this because he was looking out for me, he was looking out for his own interests as he knew what he had got himself into. This was his way of saving himself and trying to feel better about it by saying it to me in a nice way that's all. I'm really grateful for him saying it though because it's true - he wasn't the perfect guy, he never will be and now I am doing what I need for myself which is self love. So thank you Mr X for teaching me that. I know he is not my person and that is why the honeymoon period ended. I was too close to his attraction, his performance in bed and his charisma to realise that the honeymoon period of all that would eventually end...

I realise now how important character is over personality because character is what will define how my future partner will treat me. Character is what represents my 'Power 10' values that a guy must believe in to have a long lasting relationship with me. Character needs to be your focus too because as enjoyable as the honeymoon period is, it is never going to last so long as you keep wearing your rose tinted glasses and OVERVALUING THE SUPERFICIAL. Don't overvalue the bull shit, the illusion. OVERVALUE THE AUTHENTIC. Because I can guarantee you that if you do that, your honeymoon period will not just last a pathetic few weeks or months, but it will last a lifetime.

Thoughts?

Kat

XXX

#relationships #honeymoon #dosanddonts #superficial #authentic #values #honour #choices