The essential guide to healthy compromise in a relationship

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"And with that, we shook on it and made a healthy compromise" - Kathleen Sleigh

Today's post is dedicated to one of my lovely friends back home in Australia who I had the pleasure of working with, Sarah. Sarah was taken by my last post about being an option instead of a priority. She was able to resonate with this because she thought about the times where she allowed herself to be treated like an option to suit someone else's needs. A realisation she had is that as much as a relationship is about compromise, you cannot compromise your own self worth. It is great to hear that she is now in a healthy, loving relationship where both her and her partner compromise and treat one another equally.

Sarah is 100% right about there needing to be compromise in a relationship. We all need that in order for it to function healthily so that both parties are happy. What can go wrong is that compromises can be made at the cost of one's own self worth. This where unhealthy compromise takes place and people begin to resent one another. Think about a time where you made an unhealthy compromise with a family member, friend or partner. How did it make you feel? Did you wish you made a compromise that met your own needs too? Were you scared that if you didn't compromise it would mean conflict between you and that person? Conflict that you thought wasn't worth having in your life?

I can think of many times where I have made unhealthy compromises to please other people. For example, running late because I made that extra phone call when I could have made it later in the day, running late to make sure someone got out of bed, looking after someone's children when it meant missing out on my gym class, picking up my ex boyfriend from a job in the city late at night even though it meant using up my time to drive 40 minutes there and my petrol to pick him up and going to bed really late with him showing me no gratitude for me picking him up, to name a few. These are all examples of where I have made unhealthy compromises at the cost of my own self worth, and boy did I feel so sh**ty for it! I lost myself completely just so I could meet someone else's needs but never got anything in return (not that I ever expect anything in return but return as in the gratitude from that person or that person doing something nice for you without you having to do something nice for them).

You may think you're doing what's best for the other person because you are compromising to put them first but what you're actually doing is neglecting your own needs when they should come first. If you're compromising for someone else to the point you feel bad about yourself, that is unhealthy compromise. And it should always be healthy compromise because that is what leads to a loving and healthy relationship and it is what allows a loving and healthy relationship to continue.

My advice is to always compromise with your partners, friends and family in a way that does not abandon your self worth. Yes, it is important to be there for others and meet their needs too, but you need to compromise to meet both their needs and YOUR needs as well, because that is what compromise is.

The Cambridge Dictionary defines compromise as:

an agreement in an argument in which the people involved reduce their demands or change their

opinion in order to agree

It is normal to disagree and that is why compromise exists. Referring to the definition, people make an agreement in an argument to reduce their demands and reduce the conflict. What is important is to compromise so that your self worth is not neglected. Too often we make compromises that affect our own self worth and we wonder why we made that compromise for that person when we didn't agree to it. This all goes back to people pleasing which was what my very first post was about. We people please others because we don't want to lose them, we want them to see how amazing we are and if they see that then they cannot leave us. By making those unhealthy compromises, you've already invited that person into your door of boundaries that deserve to be honoured by you. By opening that door for them, you have let them walk all over your boundaries, including healthy compromise.

You need to take a step back and take a look in the mirror and ask yourself why is it so important to make such compromises for people who have little or no gratitude for you doing so. They don't care about your interests, only their own so it's wasted effort and energy trying to please them and compromise with them. You're the one that has sold yourself out because you throw away your own self worth to please someone else and validate theirs.

I remember times where Mr X wanted to see me to work around his schedule because he was always so busy around mine (how convenient) and I compromised nights out with friends or my own time just so I could see him. I agreed because that's what he wanted, but it wasn't what I wanted and it affected my self worth because it meant feeling bad about myself for not having a night out with my friends, rather, I chose to spend it with someone who only wanted me for my body. And that is unhealthy compromise.

The thing is, you may think this person is your world when they don't even think your theirs. They only care about their needs and interests and by compromising them only to disown your self worth is showing them that you aren't worthy, that you aren't enough, that you aren't worth compromising for. So in the end, they end up disrespecting you and mistreating you for it.

This is all relative to placing these people on pedestals. We ignore all the red flags and who they really are because we create this idea about them that they are such an amazing person. This is why we excuse their behaviour and make unhealthy compromises for them, we think that somehow we can change who they are and get them to be that perfect person for us who will make compromises for us. They are never going to change for you because they don't care about you. This may come across is harsh but this is the hard reality you need to be facing in order to want better for yourself. If you can't realise the harsh truth then you will always bend over backwards for people and constantly make those unhealthy compromises for them.

Next time when you are in a argument with someone whether that is a partner, lover or friend I want you to think about making a compromise that is going to make YOU happy also. If it's a compromise that you don't agree with then don't agree to it. If you choose to do that then you're not standing up to the definition of compromise which is to come to an agreement to settle an argument.

Making unhealthy compromises shows you're disagreeing with the definition and you're disagreeing with yourself.

Don't disagree with yourself, agree with your self worth and honour that always.

Please post your comments on my insta page in response to the video about this post :)

Thank you my lovely souls.

Love and light,

Kat

Xxx

#selfworth