How to create the perfect 'shark cage'

Reading time: 5 mins

"As the shark neared me, I made sure that my boundaries were the best defences I had, strong enough not to be broken and strong enough for the shark to get bored and move on" - Kathleen Sleigh

Now, you're probably wondering what I mean by the term 'shark cage'. A few years ago when I was seeing a counsellor in Australia she provided me with a really insightful article which explored this shark cage term. This article was written by a psychologist who specialises in women who are victims of abuse. This is a metaphor that she used to describe the importance of boundaries and how each bar of this shark cage represents a boundary and the sharks are the men who want to break those bars and get in and take advantage of you. I reread this article quite a lot because it is such an eye opener to the amount of 'sharks' that are out there who have bad intentions for women.

I'm sure there have been times where you have not had a very strong shark cage and a shark has pretty much torn it to pieces and has gobbled you all up and there is nothing left of you. This is when we allow boundaries to be crossed and we lose ourselves to the point there is nothing left of us anymore. And if you wonder why this keeps happening to you it's not because there is anything wrong with you but because there are many sharks that exist in this big, beautiful ocean you are in. There are some beautiful fish that exist too (including you) but there are so many sharks we fall victim to. And these sharks are predators and are very dangerous.

So how do we not fall victim to the many sharks that are out there?

The key is to build a strong shark cage, a shark cage strong enough to not let these sharks get in. We aren't born with them - the strength of our shark cage all depends on how we were brought up and the values we were taught. If we were taught not to put up with physical abuse that is one bar of the cage, if we are taught that it is not acceptable for others to put us down and humiliate us that is another bar of the cage. Each bar is representative of a boundary and it is important to make those bars strong so that these sharks cannot tear them down and get into our cage and eat us up.

According to this psychologist, there are four key factors in how to build a strong shark cage:

1. Knowing what bars to put in

This is all about boundary setting and understanding what boundaries you want to put in place that a man is never allowed to cross. Think about them, write them down, act on them and HONOUR them. It may be hard at first but you need to stay true to yourself in order to not get ripped to shreds by these sharks.

2. Knowing when a bar has sustained a hit (installing an alarm system)

This one is very important because when this happens it will determine how you will respond and defend yourself from the hit. When a shark has a crossed a boundary think about how this may impact you if you let him in completely, if you know you are not going to be ok with this then work out a healthy strategy to get out of there. Sharks will eventually get the hint and move on.

3. Knowing how to respond to an attempted shark cage breach

For any woman that has low self-esteem always ends up staying and putting up with this shark's bull s**t but these women can always turn things around and develop a sense of self worth. Once we start valuing our self worth then it becomes natural to honour boundaries. If we demand trust, respect and honesty then that is what we will end up getting. Just stay strong and true to your boundaries. You put those bars up for a reason, don't let all that hard work into building your shark cage go to waste.

4. Recognising sharks: Evaluating current and potential new partners

For those women who are in relationships, they already have that desire to do shark cage work however most of the time they are in denial about their partners being sharks and when they try and stand up for themselves, the abuse just gets worse. They either try and convince their partner to get help or they leave. The latter is often harder for the woman to do because they feel like they can change their partner but also, they have such low self-esteem that they feel it is their fault their partner is like this and are too scared to leave. It is important to do the ground work early and identify these sharks before you get into relationship territory. If you can identify their behaviour and intentions early then you save yourself so much pain and heartache.

For those of you who are struggling to build a strong shark cage, it's ok. It takes time and it cannot be perfected in a day. The key is to keep working at it and making the conscious effort to create boundaries that you are willing to stand up for and honour because they are important and you are important. You are this amazing human being with so much potential and so much to offer in this big, wide and beautiful ocean. There are many fish that are out there wanting to swim with you on the journey of love but then there are those dangerous, predatory sharks who want to get in the way of these beautiful fish and eat them up, including you. Don't be the beautiful fish that gets eaten up by the shark. Work towards building a shark cage that is so strong that these sharks find it so hard to take a bite out of those bars. Make your cage so strong that these sharks have to try with all their might to bang up against them and not be able to get through. Create boundaries that make it harder for them to get in and once you do that, you're on the path to your best version of you, the unstoppable and amazing you!

What's your shark cage like?

Responses on my Instagram account please and thank you :)

XXX

#selfworth