No tags yet.
Reading time: 8 mins
"The old me knows what it wants to do but the new me knows what it should do. The new me MUST overcome the old me and win EVERY time" - Kathleen Sleigh
One of the biggest battles I have had to face recently is the battle between being the old me that is used to not honouring boundaries and self sabotaging and being the new me that is determined to honour boundaries and know my self worth. Based on my last post about the challenge of being a newly self respected woman, this battle reflects the guy I was seeing for a month and how the old me could see the signs and red flags early and knew it wasn't okay, and how the new me was able to recognise that and say "no, this is actually not what I am up for nor want". The reason it was such a battle is because it was difficult to honour the new me - a day later I took my decision back and reverted to the old me because of the fear of being alone and because of being comfortable with some sort of "relationship" that was not serving me as opposed to none at all. It's quite sad I reverted to the old me so soon however, at least I was able to recognise this quite early (as I said I had only been seeing this guy for a month), and realised I had to quickly change it and stick to being the new me that honours boundaries.
beWhy did I revert to the old me you may ask? Especially when I promised myself I would NEVER allow myself to be in this situation again after Mr X? Well, like I said it was because of the fear of being alone and settling for a relationship that was less than I deserved. It was also about letting go of being validated by males because if I haven't got them to validate me then who else have I got to? Because clearly I can't validate myself based on myself (which is preposterous!) It was also about the fear of letting the old me go, letting her die so the new me could come to life and honour my boundaries. Letting the new me in is a very scary thing because it is unknown and so much uncertainty surrounds all that and because of that, it is simply too scary to even try to become and therefore (well this is what I thought only a couple of days ago).
In the moment that I decided enough was enough I actually felt so empowered because I was able to walk away without the drama or heartache because there was no reason for that. But the moment the curiosity of what it 'could have been', and the fear of him finding someone else if I ended it and all that other bulls**t that stops yourself from ending things, I reverted back to the old me again. And it was pointless being the old me again at that stage because this guy knew that I wasn't up for anything casual and so didn't want to go back there with me again anyway. As we know, once a guy knows a woman wants more and they don't they run away as quick as lightning! And when they do, we become more desperate and more needy because they become distant but this tactic NEVER serves us because it only makes us feel worse about ourselves and it makes us look a little stupid (but hey, we are human and are allowed to make mistakes because that's how we learn).
Whilst this situation was a little bit similar to that of Mr X it was very different in many ways because I was able to read signs about this guy very early on without any emotions because I knew he and the situation wouldn't be good for me. And that despite the quick change to the old me for what only lasted two days, I did not allow the same length of time to drag on with this guy as I had done with Mr X. For months I subjected myself to self sabotage with Mr X but with this guy I have walked away after a month and not let that decision dwell on my mind for too long. And yes, while there was a bit of drama it was that very drama that gave me the strength and motivation to not be the woman who chases and begs for a guys attention because who do these guys think they are anyway? Who really are they? As women we give so much power to men and how we let them dictate our emotions when they should never hold such a power or importance in our lives (not if they don't treat us right).
Two days later after the semi drama and obsession, I have realised how important it is to stick to the new me and that it is okay that I reverted to the old me only very briefly. It honestly could have been a much worse situation but I still learned because I discontinued such a relationship much sooner than that of Mr X. After having an in-depth conversation with my housemate, she made me realise how important it is to really enjoy and be comfortable with being on my own and not just for months or weeks, but at least a year or two without giving myself away so easily and being too open to jumping into things with men too soon. Because once I am fully comfortable within myself that is when the right males will come into my life.
I was even having a conversation with a guy at work last night who was much older than me and who gave me some really good advice about males - to never give yourself away to them so easily but also to remind myself that any man who wants to commit to me isn't going to be impressed with my history because he will assume I am cheap, not reliable or loyal (which is so not me at all). He said it is like buying a car - no one wants to really buy a car that has done a lot of mileage because you know it will soon to be on its way out. The same goes for relationships - if a man or woman knows that you have been around the block for most of your life then they won't be able to understand what is left for them. This advice made so much sense to me to be honest because this is the way men think when it comes to settling down and I have heard it many times before from friends who have been through it and mentioned their potential guy was not impressed with their history.
The reason I feel the most empowered now is because of working for a wedding at work last night. There was so much happiness between the guests and the newly married couple, and it was genuine happiness too. I remember asking every single guest as they were leaving if they had a great time and they all said how much of an amazing night they had and how happy they all were because of attending a wedding. Even the groom said to me "you know when you have your best evening? Well it was that times ten" and it was so nice to hear that. It reminded me that this is what true happiness really is - it is about finding your person and being around such genuine and pure love between them and between family and friends. All the smiles on the guests faces and the love I could feel for the newlywed couple reminded me that this is the happiness that I deserve to have and CAN have in my life. That this is the happiness I need to work towards in order to have it for life. And I CAN get that because it's what I deserve, of course it is. I am so grateful for that wedding because it has motivated me to stick to the new me that will honour my boundaries and constantly say no to men who do not serve me. And as hard as it is because it is not what the old me is used to, I have told myself I am going to take a clean break from men until I am fully comfortable being on my own and being happy within myself. Until then, I cannot risk being in these half arse relationships, I just can't. I've worked too hard for that.
If any of you are struggling to become the 'new you' from the 'old you' please know that you are strong enough to become and be the new you and that if you stick to her/him and remind yourself why it's important then good energy, good people and good things will come to you. Remember about the long term gain, as hard as it may seem in the beginning. You can't keep going on being the old you that self sabotages and makes poor choices, because you're not allowing the new you to discover what amazing opportunities there are out there to meet great people, and as you get older you don't want to hinder your chances and miss out on being with someone amazing. The right person will want to be with you for YOU, not for your body.
I hope this post finds you well and gives you the strength to become the new you and forever BE the new you so that you will never turn back to being the old you again! It will take as long as it takes but so long as you are working towards the new you, you will get there in the end. I promise.
Love and light,
Kat
XXX